Sick
by Spooky Mitsuko
Summary: UPDATED!CHAP 2! Prepare yourself for humorous Reno Rude banter galore! Reno is sick, and after taking little pink pills he found in his car it is up to our man Rude to get his partner back in good health!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone** in fanfiction world! Spooky Mitsuko here bringing you more humorous stories for your enjoyment!

This is my first time writing an Advent Children fic, and let me tell you it was a blast doing so! Reno and Rude are just way too fun not to work with! Damn their sexyness and all...

Anyway, moving along, I'm not sure how long this story's gonna be ( leave it to me to start writing a week before school starts...) But, well, we'll see in time -

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rude, Reno, Shin-Ra, the Shin-Ra company...their panties...or anything else that involves the Square and the Enix. So don't sue or else I'll have to say 'B-but I wrote a disclaimer, you can't do this!' and then I'll put up a fight and it will just be tiresome for the both of us and really, we both have friends and families that we want to spend time with and why take away the experience of bonding over something like this?...Moving on...

So, without further adieu here's the first chapter of **_'Sick'_**.

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Rude pulled into the Shin-Ra parking lot at exactly a quarter past five. Smiling at his car's digital clock, ( as well his wrist watch, because hey, he's just that kind of guy, ) Rude congratulated himself on a job well done. Not only had he arrived early to work, but he had been _fifteen_ minutes early!

'_Such a feat is comparable to none_...' Rude thought happily, taking some time to fix his sun glasses in the rear view mirror. Not that Rude had ever been late mind you. Oh no, never. Not a once. Not even that time with the sock puppet and flesh eating virus in his tooth paste. No, that day he had been tardy at most. Yes, it's true. And besides Rude was more then happy to leave the 'getting to work late' task to his partner.

Speaking of which...

An ear shattering honking noise reverberated suddenly throughout the entire parking lot.

"SHIT!" Rude exclaimed loudly, nearly spilling his coffee in alarm and grabbing his head in agony. "What the hell is that!"

Stumbling out of his car Rude made his way to another, parked a short distance from his. The car was red, the car was _crushed_ on one side. The car belonged to Reno.

Peeping into the driver's side window ( or lack there of ) Rude witnessed the source of the commotion. Reno was laying face down in the driver's seat, his forehead pressing heavily on the car's horn.

His crimson locks were strewn in every direction making the Turk look much like a drugged up porky pine trying his hand at driving..and failing. Reaching his arm into the car Rude pulled Reno's head off the horn and pushed him into a sitting position, grimacing at the Turk's appearance. What he could only assume to be mucus covered the red head's face. His eyes were crusty and blood shot, and his lips were so chapped they had broken.

"_Jesus_, Reno, what the hell happened?" Rude asked loudly, shaking his friend gently by the shoulders in a vain attempt to make eye contact with the younger man, who was slowly slumping forward again.

"Ruuuudee..." Reno called out, looking around dizzily "Is that you man..? What the hell are you doing here?" He asked dreamily, staring intently at a tree behind Rude's shoulder. "I thought you went home for the day..."

" Reno..." Rude said worriedly, turning the other's face towards his again as it had begun veering off to the left. "It's six thirty in the morning...on _Thursday_..."

Reno just laughed at this, the force of which making his head drop backwards into what looked like a very uncomfortable position

"No no no, you silly bean..." Came the slurred reply "It's midnight...on _Wednesday_...you need to get a calender dude..."

Rude sighed and rubbed his temples. Now that the initial worry and shock of finding Reno laying face down in his car had faded Rude was finding this whole situation extremely annoying.

"Reno, I hate to burst your bubble...but look, the sun's out. And-" Rude pulled his left wrist up to Reno's face, "Look at my watch, it says six thirty."

"Actually it says six thirty eight..." Reno added, finally getting his eyes to focus on the shiny gold time piece. "That's a nice watch yo..."

Rude stared unamused at the smaller man who was, at that moment, poking the face of his watch with child like interest.

"I mean _really_ nice.." He went on enthusiastically "...like..._so_ nice dude..that you should...be just as nice!...Having such nice things..why don't _I_ have nice things..?"

"Reno." Rude cut off the babbling red head sternly, pulling his watch out of Reno's view. "What are you still doing here?"

Reno looked perplexed for a moment before dissolving into a fit of laughter. "Rude! Don't you know I could be asking _you_ the very same question? Interrogating a sick man...my word..."

"Sick?" Rude inquired.

"Oh yeah!' Reno pipped up, leaning out of the car window uneasily "I was all throwing up and shit...gross stuff man! Didn't get out'a the damn office until...until...today..or...yesterday.."

Silence.

"Reno!" Rude yelled, unable to control his frustration, "Finish what you were saying!"

"Oh yeah! Woah...deja vu man...anyway..so...where was I?"

"Didn't get out of the office _until_..."

"Oh! Yeah, so I was_ so_ sick, but you'd be so proud of me Rude- so proud man! I finished all my paperwork _then _I got up to leave, but I was all throwing up remember? So I had to take some medicine, but 'Laney wouldn't gimmie any because she's mean and Sir Tseng told me to stop going through his file cabinets and go home, so all I could do was take these little pink pills in my glove compartment and-"

"Wait." Rude cut in, astonished. "You took some unidentified, nasty ass pink pills you found in your _glove compartment_..?"

Reno smiled, snuggling back into the torn upholstery of his driver's seat.

"They tasted kinda funky with the bourbon though..."

Rude was dumb founded.

"...Let me get this straight." Rude started delicately, "You were sick...sick enough to be _vomiting_, so your solution was to take some _pills_ you found in your _car_ and wash them down with alcohol in a deserted parking lot in the middle of the night?"

"Yup, that's pretty much the whole of it!" Reno beamed proudly."You did leave out the part with the penguins though.."

"...penguins?"

"Hells yeah!" Reno cried, gesticulating wildly "They were like..the best part! They taught me how to do the polka and-"

"Reno!"

Reno jumped at the volume of the other man's voice and looked meekly up at him from under the fringe of his bangs. "I promise I'll show them to you next time yo.."

"Get into my car Reno."

Reno raised his eyebrows. "Ooohhh, so demanding are we?"

"I'm taking you home, now." Rude said with a certain tone in his voice that clearly meant 'do it now, or I'll break both your legs and _drag_ you if you don't listen.' He opened the car door for the other man and waited. When Reno made no move to get up Rude sighed irritably and leaned his head forward.

"Is there a problem..?"

Reno pouted and looked around his car idly "No...not really.."

"Then why aren't you getting up?" Rude tried again, biting the side of his cheek to keep his temper in check.

Reno stared for a moment before turning his confused eyes to the larger man.

"...Getting up?"

Rude became very still. "Yes Reno. Getting up. Getting up, and walking with me over to my car so that I can drive you home where you'll only be a danger to yourself and those poor squirrels that live in your backyard."

Reno gasped dramatically at this and threw a hand over his eyes. "My goodness!" He exclaimed, "Not only are you raising your voice to a dying man, but you're expecting him to _walk_ too..!"

"...dying?"

"Carry me."

The words were not so much a request as a demand, and with them Reno thrust his arms upwards and out of the car, making grabby motions with his fingers. "Up! Up Rude!"

"...I don't know what the hell you took man, but it must have been some serious crack or something if you think I'm picking you up."

Reno smiled coyly and extended his arms further, lightly poking the chest of Rude's black blazer. "If you don't carry me there's no telling _what_ I could do. I could accidently smash my car into a child! Or worse...break your sunglasses!"

And with that Reno grabbed Rude's sunglasses off his face, holding them in a death grip behind his back.

"Reno!" Rude shoved the other man backwards across the two front seats of the car, grasping wildy for his lost shades. "Give those back now!"

The response he got was a high pitched giggle, a sound which he had never heard Reno make before, ( and honestly, wasn't in a hurry to hear again because it was creepy as hell ) and a hard kick to his lower stomach.

Rude groaned, then snarled and, grasping Reno's ankles, dragged him halfway out of the car and onto the pavement. Pinning him down and looming over him dangerously Rude stuck his hand in Reno's face.

"Glasses please."

Reno laughed nervously and slowly pulled the pair of shades out from behind his back. However even in his inebriated state Reno was still quick as a whip and the second Rude's attention was diverted by the sight of his beloved eye wear Reno was up and bolting quickly over Rude and out of the car...

Where he was promptly seized with an attack of vertigo and fell forward, landing flat on his face.

The next thing Reno could remember was waking up in Rude's car, sitting next to the older man and registering that yes, they were sitting in the parking lot of a pharmacy and that yes, Rude was once again wearing his sun glasses.

Oh, and the headache. Can't forget the massive headache.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey there everyone in fanfiction land!

I'm back with the second installment of '**Sick**'!

But before we get started I would just like to give everyone reading this **my most sincerest apologies **about the long wait for this chapter.

I had the entire thing written when my computer crashed and I lost everything since last November. After that I had a very hard time getting myself motivated to sit down and re-write the entire thing over, but all your sweet comments got me through it!

So I want to thank you all so much for giving me such wonderful, inspiring reviews and allowing me to get out of my slump and get cracking on the 2nd chapter again!

This chapter is much more silly then the first and involves a very angry Rude with a very annoying Reno- Hope it's to your liking!

Now, enjoy Chapter Two of '**Sick**'!

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The silence in the car was thick enough to put stake sauce on.

Preferably A1 stake sauce, or so Reno thought, because it was his favorite.

Next to him Rude did not move a muscle.

Did not reach up to help Reno pick the gravel out of his forehead. Did not make a motion to re-button his suit jacket where it had fallen open.

Did not even take a _glance_ in the mirror to see the snapped ear piece of his beloved sunglasses from when Reno had-

Oh.._shit._

"You broke my sunglasses."

Reno's head bobbed with the weight of that statement. "I...what..?"

"You _broke_ my _sunglasses_."

These four words were not simply spoken, you must understand, but _secreted_ through every orifice of Rude's being, and for a few intense moments Reno could only hope he ended up as lucky as the broken shades.

"Look...Rude, man...I...don't even know what you're talking-"

"Oh. You _know_."

Rude's mouth hadn't moved. Reno was sure of it. Could this be a new form of anger induced telepathy? Reno mused on this thought for a moment as Rude's aura became almost palpable beside him.

An alarmingly cold hand touched Reno's arm.

"WAH!" The red head snapped back to reality and huddled fearfully against the cool leather of Rude's passenger seat.

"Look...Rude...man...my _best buddy_." The babbling Turk inched backwards toward the door, fumbling blindly all the while for a way to unlock it. "You_ know _I only brake things that belong to people I _really_ care about! D-don't you see?? I want you to remember me forever and ever...and..and...!"

There was no way to unlock it. This door didn't have locks- didn't have _locks_?? _Every car has locks!_

Reno's skin became icy with panic.

"And...and...I...I...OHGODRUDEPLEASEDON'THURTMEI'M_SORRY_!!"

A loud sigh echoed suddenly throughout the interior of the car.

Reno turned his head to see Rude slumped forward next to him, cradling his head in his hands and rubbing his temples.

"And I can't even beat you to a pulp because you're _sick_!" Rude lamented loudly.

"...come again?"

"You probably don't even remember taking them in the first place!"

Reno deflated into a little pile of goo on the car seat. "Take...what...now?"

"The glasses!" Rude shouted to no one in particular. "See? You're so sick you don't even know what's happening. Oh, how could I be mad?"

Reno held his breath. Could this be? Could it actually be true that just because he was ill he could get away with..._anything_? The most sinful of sins? The most evil of _evils_?

Reno smiled wickedly into the rear-view mirror.

"Oh my sweet, sweet Rude..." Reno heaved tiredly, leaning back on the seat and coughing a few times for good measure. "I'm fine really...I just need to go home and...rest..."

Rude looked over at Reno, raising his eyebrows in alarm. "No way buddy, we're gonna get you some medicine first."

"Are...are you sure...my fair Rude?" Reno practically gasped out, sliding further down the seat. "For I am certain...I can fend for...myself..."

"We're getting you medicine."

"Okay. "

Stepping out of the car Rude waited patiently for Reno to follow suit. Reno seemed to have other ideas however because he stayed firmly planted inside the vehicle.

Another long minute went by.

Rude walked around the back of the car and knocked on Reno's window.

"You coming?"

Reno turned to face Rude and rolled the glass down about two inches.

"Hey there."

"_Hey_." Rude was unamused. "Let's go."

Reno went back to playing with the radio dials.

"Go? OH, no that's okay. I'll stay here. Make sure you pick up some pop tarts though-Oh! I love this song!"

Reno rolled the window back up just in time to spare Rude the final chorus of "I Am the Warrior."

Rude took a moment to step away from the car and beat a cement curb into millions of tiny pieces before attempting to persuade his red headed friend again.

Walking back over to his stylish black Porsche Rude once again knocked on the window.

Reno rolled it down. "That was fast."

"Get out of the car."

Reno blinked in surprise, then smiled and patted Rude's arm. "Now now, I'm sure you're perfectly capable of shopping by yourself. We all have to learn sometime, and this store has many wonderful bargains that-"

"RENO. I...am really...trying...not...to...lose my..._patience_.."

Knowing that he was in serious danger of crossing Rude's 'I will strangle you with barbed wire' line Reno quickly dissolved into a fit of coughing.

As expected, Rude's expression softened and he reached into the car to pat Reno's back.

"Reno, you okay?" He asked in concern.

"Oh...yeah.." Reno answered, catching his breath. "It just...hurts..."

"Oh." Rude pulled his arm out of the car and leaned back to look down at Reno. "I'll just go in myself then."

"Hmmmm...no." Reno said, smiling up at his fellow Turk. "I wanna come in now."

Somewhere in the back of Rude's mind a little thread of sanity snapped to pieces.

------

The inside of the pharmacy was brightly lit and brimming with sneezing kids and their sleep deprived mothers.

"Wow! Look at this place!" Reno cried excitedly "Oh! They have a make up section! Rude, I want the new volumizing mascara by Maybelline!"

"Reno, stop jumping around. We came for medicine, and that's what we're buying."

"Oooh, but Rude I'm _worth _it!"

Rude raised an eyebrow. "That's not even Maybelline's slogan Reno, it's L'oreal's, and they make hair products."

"How do you even know that?" Reno questioned, putting his hands on his hips. "When was the last time you had hair to _wash_ dude?"

Rude took a moment to punch a magazine rack, then silently led Reno over to the medicine counter. However, this seemingly simple task was not to be completed without a struggle, for the many scampering children in the small pharmacy were intent on making Rude's trek as difficult as possible by running directly into his legs time and time again.

"Ugh!" Rude exclaimed as a little boy left a nice big mucus stain on his new dress pants. "This is impossible! Let's just go somewhere else, alright Reno?"

"..."

"..._Reno_?"

But Rude would never receive an answer, for Reno was gone.

---

Three hours of searching and eight death threats later Rude found Reno perched atop a soda machine playing with a life sized Rufus Shinra doll.

"Look dude!" he yelled happily "I didn't know they sold these here!"

"Reno!" Rude screamed, "What the hell are you doing!?"

"Um, it's called playing house Rude, duh, I thought you'd know that..."

"Be quiet and get down! How did you get up there anyway?"

"I climbed."

"You _climbed_? Yeah, well, you better start climbing back down!"

Reno just rolled his eyes, and proceeded to whisper something to the Rufus doll.

Rude's eyes bulged, "What did you just tell him!?"

Reno blinked at Rude in surprise.

_Oh God_, Rude thought, _I'm becoming as a crazy as him!_ "N-never mind!" Rude yelled again. "Just get down from there right now!"

Reno shimmied back farther atop the machine. "No!"

"Reno I'm warning you, get DOWN."

"Make me!"

"Make you? Make you?!"

Another thread snapped deep within the tresses of Rude's mind. Gripping both sides of the slick black machine Rude began scaling the rectangular monster.

"Oh, I'll _make_ you! You just watch!"

"Woah!" Reno looked over the top in alarm. "Are you seriously-_ACK_!" Reno ducked his head back just in time to miss a swing from Rude's outstretched hand. "Dude, seriously, don't come up here!"

Rude remained silent and poised as he climbed nearer to the top.

"Wait man, I'm serious here! Stop climbing!"

Rude let out a war cry as he heaved his body up a few more inches.

"Rude! If you don't stop climbing the machine's gonna-"

"What?!" Rude asked, finally reaching the top and attempting to thrust his body over to where Reno was. "Fall? The machines gonna fall? I really don't think this huge machine is going to-"

_**CREAAAAAKKKK**_

Both men froze.

Rude slowly turned his head to lock eyes with Reno, who was sitting completely still, gripping his Rufus Shinra plush.

"What...what was that..?"

Reno surveyed the machine carefully then delicately whispered "I think the machine moved."

Rude glared at Reno as gingerly as he could. "No shit."

"Just...just stay very still. I think the machine sto-"

_**CRRREAAAAAKAAAKKK**_

"WAAH!!" Reno flew forward as the machine became unhinged from the wall "Jesus! Rude move!"

"Wha-UGHHH!!"

Reno looked down in alarm, "Dude! Get your face OUT OF MY CROTCH!"

"Muffufffuuuussshhs!!!!"

"I can't understand you!"

With one huge swing Rude grabbed Reno by the belt of his pants and tossed him backwards, effectively wedging him and his beloved doll behind the machine.

"You're disgusting! Do you know how much therapy I'm gonna need to get that memory out of my mind?!"

"Waahaa!" Came the muffled reply from behind the snack machine. "Get me out!!"

"You'll get out when I'm good and ready to take you out and-"

"AAAHH! Rude _MOVE_!"

'WAH!-"

**CREAAAAAAAAAAAKKKBOOOOOOOOM**

**---**

When Rude came to a few minutes later he was met by the sight of security guards pulling a giant machine off his torso, and Reno laughing hysterically.

A young man in a green and white uniform came over to Rude and bent down beside him.

"Um...sir...?"

Rude twisted his head to look up at the teen. "_What?_"

"...You're...um...going to have to pay for...that machine..."

Rude closed his eyes and sighed very softly. Then, slowly sitting up, he grabbed the teen by his hair and smashed his head into Reno's.

And as both boys lay writhing in agony, Rude let a small smile grace his lips.

---

Welp. That's the end of Chapter.2.

Poor Rude, I am so mean to him...

Hope you got a kick out of it!

Remember feedback is **always nice** !

-Spooky Mitsuko.


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